Contempt is the most toxic of the four communication forms. In whatever shape or form, it is a serious problem in any relationship. When you can recognize destructive patterns and consciously choose constructive interactions instead, you gain a tool that transforms both your work relationships and personal life.
In my previous articles about the team toxins, I wrote about Dr. John Gottman, Ph.D., and his findings and focused on criticism and defense. Continuing from these we will look at contempt – the one few of us easily admit to using.
Toxin 3: Contempt
Contempt includes sarcasm, belittling, cynicism, mocking, name-calling, hostile humor, belligerence, and all forms of condescending behavior. Coming from a place of superiority, it is labeling a person with negative traits. It can be both verbal and non-verbal and shown through body language such as tone of voice, facial expressions, and body movement. Gestures and actions like turning away, “talk to the hand”, rolling of eyes, sneering and disgust are all signs of contempt. Contempt is felt, and it has physiological effects.
Being on the receiving end of contempt has a direct, negative impact on our immune system. It is damaging to our psychological, emotional, and psychological health, and over time it will erode our self-esteem. When contempt is present it is impossible to reach reconciliation.
Fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts, contempt comes from a place of often unconscious entitlement or from a sense of being better than the other person. It can also come from feeling insecure and thus trying to assert oneself, although it has the opposite effect. When we are contemptuous, we objectify the other person and put their humanity to the side. When differences are not resolved, when repair bids and apologies are not accepted, when there is a lack of trust or when there is a sense of false righteousness, contempt will have fertile grounds to grow.
Zero-tolerance policy
When working with relationships, families or teams, I advocate for a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to contempt, and for the partners to build structures for how to handle it when it shows up. The antidote to contempt is to nurture a culture of appreciation and acknowledgment.
If you have teenagers in your house, you might have heard how contempt shows up in a tone of voice, behavior, lack of interaction, unwillingness to look at you, etc. If you have been on the receiving end of contempt you know how small this can make you feel and how it can physically hit you in the gut. Children do not understand contempt as their brains are not developed to process this form of communication, but they are still severely negatively impacted by it. It erodes their self-image and belief in themselves. Where contempt is present in our private lives, our relationships are poor or do not last.
In workplaces where contempt goes unchecked, the damage compounds rapidly. Turnover climbs as talented people refuse to tolerate toxic dynamics. Those who stay become risk-averse, withholding ideas rather than facing mockery. Cross-functional collaboration breaks down as teams avoid each other. Meetings become performative rather than productive, with real decisions happening in smaller groups after the contemptuous person leaves the room.
Contempt comes with a heavy price, making early intervention critical. Organizations that fail to address it quickly pay compound costs: immediate damage to relationships, long-term erosion of trust, and lasting wariness among those who’ve experienced it. Even after leaving toxic environments, people may remain hypervigilant to condescending behavior and hostile humor.
What’s next?
If you are the one communicating with contempt, ask yourself:
When do I act with contempt? What am I avoiding when I default to contempt? How might it change if I choose to look at what I appreciate about this person?
When you are the on the receiving end of contempt, set boundaries. Stand tall and tell the other person what impact it has and that it needs to stop. Keep it short, to the point and without blame.
Ask for help
This is not easy and it can feel almost impossible to fight contemptuous behavior. You will need to assess the situation and find the time and place that is best. It is also ok to ask for help!
Start by simply noticing the toxin; in meetings, emails, and difficult conversations. Awareness alone begins to shift behavior. The impact extends beyond your workplace, strengthening how you communicate in your family and every relationship that matters.
Check out my article on stonewalling – the last of the four toxins. I will also share a tool you can use to create a framework for healthy ways to communicate.