“I’m open to feedback. I really am. But somehow it leaves me more careful, tired, and less clear than before.”
Many women leaders tell me the same thing, in different words. Men not so much. They often have a different experience.
If you’ve ever found that feedback is counterproductive to what you hope to create, or felt drained and tired after receiving it, test out the exercise below.
Why feedback backfires
Feedback looks backwards. It focuses on what already happened, what went off track, or what went wrong. And we cannot change the past. We can learn from it, yes. But at its core, however well intended, feedback is about correcting something. It has us tense up, getting ready to defend ourselves. And when that happens, we stop listening.
It does not matter if you start with a positive, layer in the negative, and top it off with a positive again. All we hear is the negative, and the stories we create from that.
Feedback and trust are tightly connected. Uninvited feedback, and feedback without trust, will not land well. There is a clear neurological reason for this.
What happens in the brain
From a neuroscience perspective, feedback often activates the brain’s threat response. When we perceive evaluation, judgement, or the risk of social rejection, the amygdala is triggered. Blood flow is redirected away from the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for reflection, learning, and complex thinking, and towards survival mechanisms. In this state, our capacity to take in information, stay curious, and learn is significantly reduced. We move into defence, justification, or withdrawal.
The NeuroLeadership Institute explains this through the SCARF model, which highlights five domains the brain treats as matters of survival: Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness, and Fairness. Traditional feedback often threatens several of these at once. Status feels diminished. Certainty is disrupted. Autonomy is reduced. Relatedness feels at risk. When this happens, the brain prioritizes self-protection over learning.
What to do instead
We focus on the future, on strengths, and on possibilities. We invite collaboration. This shifts the conversation from blame to learning, from evaluation to development.
Marshall Goldsmith created a simple exercise to practise this.
How the exercise works:
1️⃣ Choose one thing you want to improve. For example: “I want to become a better listener.”
2️⃣ Ask a colleague to give you two suggestions for the future. Suggestions, not evaluations of the past.
3️⃣ Listen. Write it down. Say thank you. No discussion.
4️⃣ Do the same for them.
Each round takes two minutes.
The impact? Far greater openness, increased trust, real learning, and energy in the relationship.
Why it works
- You shape the future by focusing on what needs to happen
- It feels safe, because no one is judged, only supported
- People feel seen and are able to make meaningful contributions
- Motivation increases: you receive help to succeed rather than criticism for falling short
- It is efficient. No defensiveness, no explaining, only learning
When feedforward becomes the practice, something shifts. Conversations open up. Learning accelerates. Relationships deepen. Cultures improve.
Test it out
The next time you feel the urge to give feedback, pause and check in with yourself. What outcome do I want? How can I frame this with feedforward?
For example: “May I share a thought on how you could succeed even more next time?”
That single question changes the dynamic from resistance to development.
What would shift in your team and in your leadership if you built a strength-based feedforward practice? Test it for two weeks and see what happens.
If the patterns around feedback in your organisation run deeper than a single conversation can shift, let’s talk. We work with leaders and teams to make the invisible dynamics visible, the evaluation structures and conditioning that shape how people lead and how they’re perceived. Book a complimentary discovery call and let’s look at what’s going on in your system.